It's not easy to admit to, especially being the strong independent woman I am. However I've realised something... The more we talk about it the easier it becomes to lose the stigma... So it's almost unfair of me to be silent when speaking out encourages strength in others. For we are not alone.
I've been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. For me I sometimes become paralyzed with my thoughts.
I cannot get anything done. I can't write, I can't clean, I can't attend to my personal hygiene unless I have to be around people... Because heaven forbid anyone needs to be burdened with my pain.
I wrote the below a few months ago, and never really planning to publish it. This was me journaling my pain, to express it somewhere. Maybe even to write about once the fight is over.
That said I am managing. I am coping. And the smile you see on my face is genuine. Having a place to stay, and regular food, not to mention work (YES!!) has helped the anxiety the most. I am also MUCH better than I was depression wise than this article. But that's another blog for another time.
For everything else I continue to breathe. And now you know where the silence comes from. Not to mention the disappearing act ;)
May this article give understanding and give someone else the strength to fight their darkness one day at a time 💜
The Void
I'm fighting depression. And have been for a while. I'm unemployed, as is my partner. We've had bad luck after bad luck. We've managed to eat almost every day. And managed to keep a roof over our heads thanks to amazing friends. And yet I'm struggling inside.
I walk in nature almost daily. Eat as healthy as we can, considering we sometimes have a budget of R20/day for both of us. Sometimes we get fed by others. I spend time daily thinking about my blessings and how much I have to be grateful for. I do everything "right".
I smile, I joke. I try stay active on social media: Liking, loving, and commenting on my friends posts. I share the positive. I make sure I get enough sleep.
Then another set back, or even just the sadness within, rears her ugly head and reminds me of the futility of everything. Cue the hiding of my tears. In the bathroom. In the dark while my partner sleeps beside me. Crying myself to further exhaustion with a bonus headache.
These are the days The Void calls the loudest. The Void promises no more pain. No more struggle. She is a temptress indeed. She knows exactly what to say, because she is me.
What no one sees is the weeks I cannot get out of bed... If I do I feel dizzy and weak. It's easier to just sleep, and avoid the outside world completely.
My teeth hurt from their neglect. I have a breakout all over my suddenly creased, parchment like skin. Which adds to the sadness. I used to have clear, elastic skin. Now daily I see the years etch deeper... A reminder of time slipping by.
And it adds more reasons to slip into The Void.
The only reason I have had to keep myself going is my kids... Who stay in another province with their dad. When I see them I feel great for weeks .My panacea is too far away to be with them. For every week that goes by without being with them The Void gets stronger and my strength weaker. I remember how much of their short childhood I am missing. How fleeting my time with them is...
I am forgotten by friends. I reach out and try make plans. To initiate human contact. After a while the rejection gets too much to bear. Am I over eager? Is my Void too much for others to deal with? Or am I just as unlovable as I feel? I'll never know. I'm too scared to reach out again. Rejection hurts more than avoidance. Not that I have the money to go see anyone anyway. So what's the point?
That is the fight. That is my mind making the fight harder, and The Void more tempting.
So when you tell a person with depression to snap out of it, that their circumstances are of their own making, you are feeding The Void. You are confirming their uselessness.
Rather reach out. Just be available. Make time. Feed the strength. Find compassion and understand that while whatever the circumstances are, kindness will go a long way. Or even just making time to be there. With no judgement. With no conditions. Without platitudes.
Try and keep in mind that if someone fighting The Void does reach out, it's taken days of psyching up the strength. And rejection bashes this so badly it regresses by months.
I'm not saying drop everything all the time. But if someone reaches out, and you aren't available, make time as soon as possible after that. Schedule the time.
Don't forget them. And if they have stopped reaching out, go find them. Help them fight their Void. Ask them what their Void is saying. Or inner voice. Help them fight their darkness. Because they won't ask twice.
The Void won't let me.
