It's not easy to admit to, especially being the strong independent woman I am. However I've realised something... The more we talk about it the easier it becomes to lose the stigma... So it's almost unfair of me to be silent when speaking out encourages strength in others. For we are not alone.
I've been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. For me I sometimes become paralyzed with my thoughts.
I cannot get anything done. I can't write, I can't clean, I can't attend to my personal hygiene unless I have to be around people... Because heaven forbid anyone needs to be burdened with my pain.
I wrote the below a few months ago, and never really planning to publish it. This was me journaling my pain, to express it somewhere. Maybe even to write about once the fight is over.
That said I am managing. I am coping. And the smile you see on my face is genuine. Having a place to stay, and regular food, not to mention work (YES!!) has helped the anxiety the most. I am also MUCH better than I was depression wise than this article. But that's another blog for another time.
For everything else I continue to breathe. And now you know where the silence comes from. Not to mention the disappearing act ;)
May this article give understanding and give someone else the strength to fight their darkness one day at a time 💜
The Void
I'm fighting depression. And have been for a while. I'm unemployed, as is my partner. We've had bad luck after bad luck. We've managed to eat almost every day. And managed to keep a roof over our heads thanks to amazing friends. And yet I'm struggling inside.
I walk in nature almost daily. Eat as healthy as we can, considering we sometimes have a budget of R20/day for both of us. Sometimes we get fed by others. I spend time daily thinking about my blessings and how much I have to be grateful for. I do everything "right".
I smile, I joke. I try stay active on social media: Liking, loving, and commenting on my friends posts. I share the positive. I make sure I get enough sleep.
Then another set back, or even just the sadness within, rears her ugly head and reminds me of the futility of everything. Cue the hiding of my tears. In the bathroom. In the dark while my partner sleeps beside me. Crying myself to further exhaustion with a bonus headache.
These are the days The Void calls the loudest. The Void promises no more pain. No more struggle. She is a temptress indeed. She knows exactly what to say, because she is me.
What no one sees is the weeks I cannot get out of bed... If I do I feel dizzy and weak. It's easier to just sleep, and avoid the outside world completely.
My teeth hurt from their neglect. I have a breakout all over my suddenly creased, parchment like skin. Which adds to the sadness. I used to have clear, elastic skin. Now daily I see the years etch deeper... A reminder of time slipping by.
And it adds more reasons to slip into The Void.
The only reason I have had to keep myself going is my kids... Who stay in another province with their dad. When I see them I feel great for weeks .My panacea is too far away to be with them. For every week that goes by without being with them The Void gets stronger and my strength weaker. I remember how much of their short childhood I am missing. How fleeting my time with them is...
I am forgotten by friends. I reach out and try make plans. To initiate human contact. After a while the rejection gets too much to bear. Am I over eager? Is my Void too much for others to deal with? Or am I just as unlovable as I feel? I'll never know. I'm too scared to reach out again. Rejection hurts more than avoidance. Not that I have the money to go see anyone anyway. So what's the point?
That is the fight. That is my mind making the fight harder, and The Void more tempting.
So when you tell a person with depression to snap out of it, that their circumstances are of their own making, you are feeding The Void. You are confirming their uselessness.
Rather reach out. Just be available. Make time. Feed the strength. Find compassion and understand that while whatever the circumstances are, kindness will go a long way. Or even just making time to be there. With no judgement. With no conditions. Without platitudes.
Try and keep in mind that if someone fighting The Void does reach out, it's taken days of psyching up the strength. And rejection bashes this so badly it regresses by months.
I'm not saying drop everything all the time. But if someone reaches out, and you aren't available, make time as soon as possible after that. Schedule the time.
Don't forget them. And if they have stopped reaching out, go find them. Help them fight their Void. Ask them what their Void is saying. Or inner voice. Help them fight their darkness. Because they won't ask twice.
The Void won't let me.
Saturday 6 April 2019
Monday 11 March 2019
How Arts and Crafts Is Saving Me
So it's no secret that I'm rebuilding my life from rock bottom. It's not easy. Especially because trying to build a business with nothing is kinda like trying to brush your teeth while eating a cookie... There is a reason we all know the saying: You have to have money to make money.
In case you don't know the word divergent means: tending to be different or develop in different directions.
So I started beading. Making pretty necklaces. I also started creating collages of the pics and memorabilia I collected over my life (to get it more displayable, but mostly to take up less space for easy packing). I even started sewing. In a nutshell I started creating stuff. Being creative.
So first thing that happens while we create is we get a hit of dopamine. The feel good hormone. Which is important with the whole feeling happier thing... definitely good for depression and anxiety.
The part that has saved me the most has been (as per the words of Psychology Today): Creativity is closely linked to what folks have called “divergent thinking.”
This divergent thinking helped me come up with a way to raise the money I need to be able to start up a business, without having to personally come up with the cash injection I need to get the equipment before hand.
My brain on arts and crafts has helped me more than searching the interwebs for how to make money this, or monetize that, or how to bootstrap a business.
I had the idea of getting pledges for my services, then having everyone pay at once so I can get the equipment I need, and then I have these people as my first clients, who can then recommend my services and then become my first line of advertising.
It took me 3 days to get this done!!!
A couple of years of struggle at rock bottom, hearing idea's from others, listening to motivational talks (believe me the amount of motivators out there is HUGE - especially when you're down on your luck), and all it took was a couple of weeks of arts and crafts to get the solution I needed. To get out the box enough to come up with my plan.
I have always loved arts and crafts. My kids too! Our usual M.O. is to paint, create, sew, cut, stick and craft our way to making stuff as often as possible.
Our kids in nursery school and early primary years have a special focus on their art creations, because we all know they learn different skills from art (such as hand eye coordination, fine motor control, creativity, problem solving skills). Then as they get bigger and progress through the grades the focus on art drops, and they are inundated with homework and text books. By adulthood very few of us allow our creativity free reign.
There are definitely creative people out there. One just needs to look at the creative solutions to various problems that keep popping up on social media to see this.
My thoughts this week are going to be what can I make? I am going to make creativity as important a part of my life as exercise or eating is. Because let's face it, how else can we change our life without changing what we do? And honestly I can think of worse things to do to change my brain than making pretty necklaces.
Sunday 3 March 2019
The Momo Issues
So if you haven't heard about Momo, then either you haven't been on Facebook the last couple of weeks, or perhaps you don't have kids and your group of friends aren't sharing this sort of hoopla.
In a nutshell there are warnings going around about a character, named Momo, who has managed to infiltrate YouTube video's of popular kids programmes, who then encourages kids to self harm, inflict harm on others, and culminates in suicide. Very scary, right?
Well yeah. If it was real.
The internet is blowing up over a hoax.
And this isn't the first time, nor will it be the last.
The picture of Momo is actually a picture of a statue by artist Keisuke Aisawa, called “Mother Bird.”
I have kids. And I'm not scared of Momo, even if it was real. Why you ask? Because firstly I make sure I know what my kids are watching. Their dad checks their browser history, and goes through their phones for random checks. They can have their privacy when they're older.
Secondly I talk to my kids all the time about internet safety, about peer pressure, about about the fact that there are sick trolls out there who do stupid stuff. When they were younger they never had open access to the internet, I sat with them at all times. I watched every video and programme they watched to make sure I could vouch for the kid friendliness of the programme, and raise any concerns I might have with them. I kept it interactive. I have made sure that my kids know they can speak to me about anything, judgement free, no matter what.
I want to make sure my girls are able to grow into young adults who can look after themselves, and that they know I will always be a safe place.
As adults we are so used to this world being a scary place, that as we get these warnings I first instinct is to prevent any and all injuries to kids around the world by sharing. And some troll is enjoying a good giggle while we do this.
The biggest thought I have while I see the internet panic about another hoax is that a quick google would have prevented this story from blowing up in the first place.
Fake news, hoaxes, and rubbish (such as new illnesses) makes the rounds because we don't take a minute to google info to verify for ourselves before we share.
As adults we should be responsible for the information we share.
Now we have an artist who feels the need to destroy her work of art because of the backlash she is getting from this viral hoax.
Now we have people around the world up in arms to force YouTube to take action against a hoax to protect our children. When protecting our children should be our job to begin with.
Maybe that's why Momo made the impression it did. Is the huge backlash in some way connected to the little inner centre of guilt that our kids are so unsupervised?
Just my thoughts.
Hope they spark some thoughts in you.
May harmony find you.
In a nutshell there are warnings going around about a character, named Momo, who has managed to infiltrate YouTube video's of popular kids programmes, who then encourages kids to self harm, inflict harm on others, and culminates in suicide. Very scary, right?
Well yeah. If it was real.
The internet is blowing up over a hoax.
And this isn't the first time, nor will it be the last.
The picture of Momo is actually a picture of a statue by artist Keisuke Aisawa, called “Mother Bird.”
I have kids. And I'm not scared of Momo, even if it was real. Why you ask? Because firstly I make sure I know what my kids are watching. Their dad checks their browser history, and goes through their phones for random checks. They can have their privacy when they're older.
Secondly I talk to my kids all the time about internet safety, about peer pressure, about about the fact that there are sick trolls out there who do stupid stuff. When they were younger they never had open access to the internet, I sat with them at all times. I watched every video and programme they watched to make sure I could vouch for the kid friendliness of the programme, and raise any concerns I might have with them. I kept it interactive. I have made sure that my kids know they can speak to me about anything, judgement free, no matter what.
I want to make sure my girls are able to grow into young adults who can look after themselves, and that they know I will always be a safe place.
As adults we are so used to this world being a scary place, that as we get these warnings I first instinct is to prevent any and all injuries to kids around the world by sharing. And some troll is enjoying a good giggle while we do this.
The biggest thought I have while I see the internet panic about another hoax is that a quick google would have prevented this story from blowing up in the first place.
Fake news, hoaxes, and rubbish (such as new illnesses) makes the rounds because we don't take a minute to google info to verify for ourselves before we share.
As adults we should be responsible for the information we share.
Now we have an artist who feels the need to destroy her work of art because of the backlash she is getting from this viral hoax.
Now we have people around the world up in arms to force YouTube to take action against a hoax to protect our children. When protecting our children should be our job to begin with.
Maybe that's why Momo made the impression it did. Is the huge backlash in some way connected to the little inner centre of guilt that our kids are so unsupervised?
Just my thoughts.
Hope they spark some thoughts in you.
May harmony find you.
Monday 25 February 2019
The Champagne Bottle Effect
The world is filled with over emotional people. Look at how, for want of a better word, "mainstream" anxiety and depression is currently. All from being taught from child hood to suppress and repress.
While today's children are being raised more holistically to manage rather than suppress their emotions, most of us were taught that there is no space for negative feelings. To hide our tears and fears. To suck it up and move on.
Then when we reach critical breaking point, like a champagne bottle that is shaken continuously, we explode.
Look at the world exploding with anger and violence. Look at the amount of people on some sort of anxiety or depression or other type of mental health medication.
If we look at a toddler who has a tantrum, in effect that toddler is having an emotional breakdown. We punish this "bad behavior" teaching the toddler that emotional outbursts are wrong, and sometimes embarrassing. Especially when we're in public.
Jump forward a few decades and we find adults who are struggling to heal their inner hurt, or even to acknowledge that the hurt is there.
How do we fix this? The answer is simple and super airy fairy... Love.
Just as a toddler will respond to love while they struggle to learn how to manage their emotions, we need to find ways to lovingly search out our inner hurts, and guide ourselves through the pain.
We need to find ways to allow for emotional beings to no longer feel embarrassed or scared to admit to what they're feeling.
Sounds really simple doesn't it? In reality it's not quite as simple as that seems. We need tons of patience to unearth the years of suppression coping methods, to gently ease into a comfortable space that will encourage the openness to reveal the hurt, and pour love onto that pain so healing may begin.
Most airy fairy sorts spend years in meditation and other disciplines to delve into their inner selves to work on themselves from the inside out.
Some people aren't even aware of how much they have repressed.
Some might be too scared to start the journey to self development because the task seems insurmountable.
So as we come to the end of the month of love, let's think about how we can open our hearts to ourselves, and heal from within.
At the very least, let's work on the next generation and teach proper coping mechanisms for dealing with emotions, and break the suppression cycle.
May harmony find you!
While today's children are being raised more holistically to manage rather than suppress their emotions, most of us were taught that there is no space for negative feelings. To hide our tears and fears. To suck it up and move on.
Then when we reach critical breaking point, like a champagne bottle that is shaken continuously, we explode.
Look at the world exploding with anger and violence. Look at the amount of people on some sort of anxiety or depression or other type of mental health medication.
If we look at a toddler who has a tantrum, in effect that toddler is having an emotional breakdown. We punish this "bad behavior" teaching the toddler that emotional outbursts are wrong, and sometimes embarrassing. Especially when we're in public.
Jump forward a few decades and we find adults who are struggling to heal their inner hurt, or even to acknowledge that the hurt is there.
How do we fix this? The answer is simple and super airy fairy... Love.
Just as a toddler will respond to love while they struggle to learn how to manage their emotions, we need to find ways to lovingly search out our inner hurts, and guide ourselves through the pain.
We need to find ways to allow for emotional beings to no longer feel embarrassed or scared to admit to what they're feeling.
Sounds really simple doesn't it? In reality it's not quite as simple as that seems. We need tons of patience to unearth the years of suppression coping methods, to gently ease into a comfortable space that will encourage the openness to reveal the hurt, and pour love onto that pain so healing may begin.
Most airy fairy sorts spend years in meditation and other disciplines to delve into their inner selves to work on themselves from the inside out.
Some people aren't even aware of how much they have repressed.
Some might be too scared to start the journey to self development because the task seems insurmountable.
So as we come to the end of the month of love, let's think about how we can open our hearts to ourselves, and heal from within.
At the very least, let's work on the next generation and teach proper coping mechanisms for dealing with emotions, and break the suppression cycle.
May harmony find you!
Sunday 17 February 2019
Why we need to look at Toxic Femininity
I was having a discussion on Facebook (as one does), in the comments section of a meme with a friend of mine recently. The discussion was around: Why do women hate their step kids, but want the step father to love her biological kids.
I had the words toxic femininity pop into my head... Imagine my surprise when I found that it's already a term! The definition according to Urban Dictionary is:
"A social science term that describes narrow repressive type of ideas about the female gender role, that defines femininity as exaggerated feminine traits like being sensitive, emotional, having a perfect appearance, and so forth. One can be feminine without being toxic."
To me it's so much more than the examples given on Urban Dictionary though (those examples in a nutshell is like hitting your boyfriend, and then if he wants to hit back saying you can't because I'm a woman; and women doing the mean girls gossip thing). It's the need to be right no matter what because I'm female. It's the need to have hair extensions, false nails, perfect makeup, and be the "popular girl" no matter how mean that makes me. It's playing games with relationships to force proof of love. It's playing games with the emotions of others. It's bordering on narcissistic type behaviour. Shallow, beauty queen types who see others as props in their drama.
It's creating a stereotype of a gender that girls and women are falling into. Like the hashtag we see flying around for toxic masculinity we need to wake up that women can - and are - just as possible of toxicity.
Where did this all come from? Why have we forgotten that we are looking for a life partner in relationships (not a person to fit a role). Why have we forgotten that the friendships we form are better if no-one is playing games?
The airy fairy folk have it right. If you go to one of their gatherings (like a drumming circle if you want a tame introduction) you will see people laughing, hugging, and being real. You won't see women hitting their boyfriends, turning noses up at new comers until their social status has been proven. You won't see men getting aggressive because they've had a couple of brewskies and he's sure the other oke was checking out his chick. You might enjoy it! You'll definitely be welcomed so genuinely that you'll probably go back.
These are the people who have done the work on their emotions. These are the people who practice the "We are one" way of thinking. They know that we are all the same, and no one is better than the other based on their gender, what they do, or where they come from.
These are the people who look for, and create, balance in their lives.
Balance is an interesting term. Best described by the beloved yin/yang. The balance of evil and good, darkness and light, male and female...
The yin/yang male and female balance does not require one to be more prominent than the other. It allows for male and female to be just as important, and just as irrelevant. It shows us that there is a mix of masculine in the feminine, and feminine in the masculine. It shows us that is the way it should be.
So how do we correct this? How do we change? Pretty easy in my mind (but then I'm special - in many senses of the word). We honour our differences. We remember that fighting for equality means that as equals we do not have special rights because we are female. THAT is equality.
We honour the masculine and the feminine for the two aspects of creation that they are, seeking neither to change nor label that aspect.
It goes back in many ways to my second post from 6 Jan - I See You.
It's about looking beyond the physical and seeing the human inside. Once we remember that we are all human, and that we are all souls having a human experience, maybe we'll drop the toxicity and move towards harmony.
May harmony find you!
It's about looking beyond the physical and seeing the human inside. Once we remember that we are all human, and that we are all souls having a human experience, maybe we'll drop the toxicity and move towards harmony.
May harmony find you!
Sunday 10 February 2019
First Impressions, Perceptions and Misunderstandings
I was introduced to a lady before meeting her with various warnings about her perceived attitude recently. The warnings were enough to make me very nervous indeed. Especially because I was going to be working very closely with this lady for a couple of days.
Imagine my surprise when I met this lady and she turned out to be one of my favourite people I've had the pleasure of working with!
This lady really struggles with English, and much of who she is got lost in translation. Not to mention after learning more about her life I had an absolute paradigm shift on how she was misunderstood, and I have helped her line manager to understand her better as well.
This stuck with me since then. How often is a first impression skewed by a language barrier? Or not allowing ourselves to see further than the surface to the person inside?
Often I have been asked to work with difficult people, or in difficult situations, only to find out the first impression caused a misunderstanding that lead to conflict. From my waitressing days being given the "difficult" tables who are upset and want to leave, to a facilitator of domestic workers being asked to adjust a difficult attitude (which FYI is NOT part of the job description).
When we meet friends of friends, colleagues from another department, or new people for the first time perhaps our first impression is not the one we need to focus on. Maybe we'll find a gem of a person hidden inside that was missed the first time.
There is an understanding happening with children that often a child who needs more love will act out in the worst possible way. Where the outside behaviour is unloving, difficult, and pushy. While inside this little being is an empty spot that needs a hug. Perhaps this is more true of adults. Where a difficult person who is "offish" or "stuck-up" in reality is desperate for someone to see through that outside shell to the person hiding inside.
Many people learn to cope with difficult feelings or life experiences by burying them deep inside, and building a wall around those feelings to prevent the hurt from happening again. Sometimes people try and share their hurt, and get so put down, they are too scared to show their scars.
Maybe, like many of us, our feelings were invalidated growing up. We were taught to suppress our feelings, like they are something bad. So as adults we don't have coping mechanisms for strong feelings. Enter an adult world filled with depression, repressed anger, and a general inability to cope if things start going badly. The number of people seeing therapists, and on medicine for their mental health, might agree with me.
I'd like to see a culture where we no longer take the first impression of people as our measure of who they are as a person. Let's rather go for an over-all view. Where instead of looking at the outside we start looking for who they are on the inside.
This doesn't mean we need to start having those airy fairy get togethers and hug-it-out sessions (although would that really be so bad?). It's more just a reminder to look a little deeper. Is this person a trouble maker, or are they struggling with something deeper?
The misconception that we never bring our problems to work with us true in many ways. However considering we spend the bulk of our waking hours away from home, maybe we need to start being more open to taking a holistic view of employees and how their personal lives do shape the person they are at work.
If nothing else you will find that struggling employee will start being happier at work, feeling valued by the organisation where they spend their waking hours. A valued employee is a loyal employee.
Richard Branson will tell you that he only looks after his employees. He knows that employees that are happy, will look after the clients, which improves the bottom line as happy clients will come back, and bring their friends.
Sunday 3 February 2019
Why Divorce Isn't About You
I've been happily divorced for over a decade. My ex-husband and I agree a divorce was the best thing we did for each other.
Don't get me wrong. As we settled into our new roles as "Team Parent" we've had our share of up's and down's. Especially in the first few years. Now, however, we are a strong team with our kids best interest in mind.
Mostly with thanks to my lawyer. She told me something when I started my divorce journey that shifted my paradigm for divorce: "Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."
This is the hugest part when considering divorce. It's not about your hurt, or getting back at your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. The divorce is ending your hurt. It's about creating a future for your kids. Their financial stability and emotional well-being needs to come first.
The other contributing factor to my Team Parent outcome was my childhood. I grew up without a father. Which was OK in a lot of ways (I have an awesome mom), however I couldn't help but feel the absence of half of my family tree. Even now as an adult. So I approached my divorce on the strength of deeply desiring the father of my girls be a part of their life, and that my girls get to know, and have a relationship with, their paternal branch of family.
In the presence of my children no-one was allowed to say anything negative about their father. Even if they were sleeping (we all know how well kids listen to anything they aren't supposed to hear) because it wasn't my place to make up their mind about their dad. I certainly never wanted to be in a position where my kids could hate me for trying to poison their minds about their father. For me this has paid off with the strength of our Team Parent family. Where his girlfriend (and her kids), and my boyfriend (and his no kids), are a part of our expanded family, and we all want what is best for our kids. I include my ex-husband's girlfriend's kids in this statement by the way. She, and her kids, are now a part of our family after all...
Best part of being in a Team Parent family: My girls can't play us off against each other. Their dad and I speak all the time. We know what is happening in their lives, both positive and negative, and we back each other up. We are a united front.
Disclaimer: Sometimes the spouse you leave is not fit to be a parent. Mine certainly wasn't. If your spouse is one of those unfit ones, then please disregard what I am saying. What saddens me, and prompted the writing of this article, is watching friends (and strangers) trying to fight for their right to be a parent. Usually the father. Because as we all know the mother has the most rights according to the legal system...
Taking the divorce back a few steps: You loved the person you are divorcing enough to have children with them. You need to honour this part of your children, and do your best to remember that your kids are half someone else. Your kids have the right to not have to choose who their favourite parent is. Your kids have the right to know what about both their parents was amazing enough for them to exist.
Backing that paragraph up to where it started for me...
Before the divorce we tried couple's counselling. Where the counselor was surprised I hadn't changed my last name. She asked what my kids will feel when I was happy to have kids with their father but not happy enough to take his last name. In a happy coincidence Home Affairs registered me with my girls last name. Now I proudly carry that name in honour of the man who is a part of these awesome beings I call my kids. I'm stoked to have the same last name as them! So much so that if I choose to marry again I will double-barrel the last name to keep the name I share with my girls (I am a feminist - and the story about why I'm happy to change my last name is another article for another time, let's keep the focus on the Team Parent stuff for this article please!).
In a world where father's are often absent, and there are more than a few deadbeats out there to back up the stereotype, let's stop breaking families up where the father wants to be involved. Rather let us focus on how to create a new role going forward, where our kids get to have both branches of their family tree. Let our kids benefit from adults working together for their future.
They are just kids after all. And we are supposed to protect them and put them first.
If you're able to put the hurt behind you, then you get the other benefit of a happy divorce: Adult time. AKA visitation schedule... When your spouse has your kids you get full on adult time! It's awesome!
What else is awesome? Hitting the teen years with kids who can't pull a fast one by lying to one parent then the other (because we already spoke and know the truth).
There are so many father's out there fighting for the right to see their kids. Probably enough to change the stereotype of deadbeat dad back into super dad!
Don't get me wrong. As we settled into our new roles as "Team Parent" we've had our share of up's and down's. Especially in the first few years. Now, however, we are a strong team with our kids best interest in mind.
Mostly with thanks to my lawyer. She told me something when I started my divorce journey that shifted my paradigm for divorce: "Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."
This is the hugest part when considering divorce. It's not about your hurt, or getting back at your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. The divorce is ending your hurt. It's about creating a future for your kids. Their financial stability and emotional well-being needs to come first.
The other contributing factor to my Team Parent outcome was my childhood. I grew up without a father. Which was OK in a lot of ways (I have an awesome mom), however I couldn't help but feel the absence of half of my family tree. Even now as an adult. So I approached my divorce on the strength of deeply desiring the father of my girls be a part of their life, and that my girls get to know, and have a relationship with, their paternal branch of family.
In the presence of my children no-one was allowed to say anything negative about their father. Even if they were sleeping (we all know how well kids listen to anything they aren't supposed to hear) because it wasn't my place to make up their mind about their dad. I certainly never wanted to be in a position where my kids could hate me for trying to poison their minds about their father. For me this has paid off with the strength of our Team Parent family. Where his girlfriend (and her kids), and my boyfriend (and his no kids), are a part of our expanded family, and we all want what is best for our kids. I include my ex-husband's girlfriend's kids in this statement by the way. She, and her kids, are now a part of our family after all...
Best part of being in a Team Parent family: My girls can't play us off against each other. Their dad and I speak all the time. We know what is happening in their lives, both positive and negative, and we back each other up. We are a united front.
Disclaimer: Sometimes the spouse you leave is not fit to be a parent. Mine certainly wasn't. If your spouse is one of those unfit ones, then please disregard what I am saying. What saddens me, and prompted the writing of this article, is watching friends (and strangers) trying to fight for their right to be a parent. Usually the father. Because as we all know the mother has the most rights according to the legal system...
Taking the divorce back a few steps: You loved the person you are divorcing enough to have children with them. You need to honour this part of your children, and do your best to remember that your kids are half someone else. Your kids have the right to not have to choose who their favourite parent is. Your kids have the right to know what about both their parents was amazing enough for them to exist.
Backing that paragraph up to where it started for me...
Before the divorce we tried couple's counselling. Where the counselor was surprised I hadn't changed my last name. She asked what my kids will feel when I was happy to have kids with their father but not happy enough to take his last name. In a happy coincidence Home Affairs registered me with my girls last name. Now I proudly carry that name in honour of the man who is a part of these awesome beings I call my kids. I'm stoked to have the same last name as them! So much so that if I choose to marry again I will double-barrel the last name to keep the name I share with my girls (I am a feminist - and the story about why I'm happy to change my last name is another article for another time, let's keep the focus on the Team Parent stuff for this article please!).
In a world where father's are often absent, and there are more than a few deadbeats out there to back up the stereotype, let's stop breaking families up where the father wants to be involved. Rather let us focus on how to create a new role going forward, where our kids get to have both branches of their family tree. Let our kids benefit from adults working together for their future.
They are just kids after all. And we are supposed to protect them and put them first.
If you're able to put the hurt behind you, then you get the other benefit of a happy divorce: Adult time. AKA visitation schedule... When your spouse has your kids you get full on adult time! It's awesome!
What else is awesome? Hitting the teen years with kids who can't pull a fast one by lying to one parent then the other (because we already spoke and know the truth).
There are so many father's out there fighting for the right to see their kids. Probably enough to change the stereotype of deadbeat dad back into super dad!
If you take away one snippet from my article this week
just remember what my lawyer said:
"Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."
Sunday 27 January 2019
A Mom and Child Moment
Driving through the rain one morning I watched a mother holding the hand of her child as they crossed the road.
The child was about 5 years old, and oblivious to the traffic or anything other than the puddles in the road.
I watched the mother almost pull her child across the road, keeping an eye on traffic, while her child jumped in puddles, giggling and enjoying the splashes.
It reminded me of my kids that age. It probably reminds you of your kids that age.
I don't need to mention the gender, or colour of that child. The simple actions of a child focused on jumping puddles in the rain is enough to paint a picture in mind of any child, living anywhere.
Despite the many differences that are used to divide us, there are so many similarities in all human growth and development, we often forget about these similarities.
Perhaps it's easier to see others as different. However the truth is we are one.
We might be shaped differently by the way we are raised. By the faith we follow. By customs and circumstances. By our education or lack thereof.
Underneath it all we are all human. We all have the same needs for survival. We have the same desire for a better life for our children. We have the same desire for a better life for ourselves.
Perhaps we need to forget about our differences, and look for the similarities.
Maybe it will make it easier for us to work together when we remember that at our core we are the same. We are all human. We are one.
The child was about 5 years old, and oblivious to the traffic or anything other than the puddles in the road.
I watched the mother almost pull her child across the road, keeping an eye on traffic, while her child jumped in puddles, giggling and enjoying the splashes.
It reminded me of my kids that age. It probably reminds you of your kids that age.
I don't need to mention the gender, or colour of that child. The simple actions of a child focused on jumping puddles in the rain is enough to paint a picture in mind of any child, living anywhere.
Despite the many differences that are used to divide us, there are so many similarities in all human growth and development, we often forget about these similarities.
Perhaps it's easier to see others as different. However the truth is we are one.
We might be shaped differently by the way we are raised. By the faith we follow. By customs and circumstances. By our education or lack thereof.
Underneath it all we are all human. We all have the same needs for survival. We have the same desire for a better life for our children. We have the same desire for a better life for ourselves.
Perhaps we need to forget about our differences, and look for the similarities.
Maybe it will make it easier for us to work together when we remember that at our core we are the same. We are all human. We are one.
Sunday 20 January 2019
Living in the real world
In this last week I was blessed to go to the home of a wonderful couple, who live in a very upmarket estate. Upmarket enough that on the way in I had to pause for an airplane. One of those small ones. Because many of the people who live there own their own planes, and cars have to wait for airplanes to cross the road when they are returning from their private landing strip.
It got me thinking about the huge differences in people's life styles. On the one hand you have people who can afford their own planes, living in huge homes, eating the yummiest, best quality food, having more clothes than they can wear in a year, private boats and able to afford holidays overseas a few times a year. Not to mention if they start feeling unwell they can afford to see a private doctor. On the other hand you have the people who work for them who live in shacks, eat mostly cheap, poor quality, carb based foods (because it's the cheapest way to feel full) and if they get sick have to face the government clinics and hospitals. Which is enough of a nightmare that most people who use these facilities wait until they feel like they are dying before they go.
Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge anyone their success or circumstance. But I do wonder if these elite people are even aware of the challenges that the 99% face in their daily lives. Of walking for hours to get to work, to get paid a monthly salary that's less than their weekly grocery bill.
It makes me almost grateful that I do know how the 99% live. That I am living like the 99% live. That I know what it's like to choose petrol for my car over food for the house, because if I can't get to work there will be no food next month. Why do I say this?
I can remember very clearly when I was more middle class than down on my luck... Overhearing a conversation between a director of the company I was working for explaining to the cleaning / tea lady that she needed to learn to budget her money better than constantly needing an advance.
Let's break this down: a person earning a director's salary, who can afford to pay out of pocket expenses like medical bills that aren't quite covered by their medical aid, a car service, vet bills; is telling a person who earns less than a weekly grocery bill to budget better.
I'd rather know what it's like that every cent is literally allocated to barely surviving. Where a sick child, a car service or any other surprise expense is not so much an inconvenience that means this month I can't get a new outfit, or need to cut back on eating out. It's having to choose food over that expense.
It's listening to a group of people in a skills development course discussing what to do if they catch a person stealing sugar from the work place. The expected answer is to report that person for theft. Hearing their answer humbled me. They explained they would approach this thief and find out why they are stealing sugar (maybe this person doesn't have food at home and they will instead create a stokvel to help them out).
Knowing what I do about that inequality in living, and how easily through no fault of a person but through a series of unfortunate events life can go from comfortable to poverty stricken in a matter of moments. It's having empathy with cars billowing black smoke because you know what it means. It means they are choosing to eat over getting a service, because even with the black smoke their car is still going.
If more people out there knew what the real world, outside of financial freedom, was like. There would be more of us campaigning for equality. For upliftment. Not charity, for raising people up through education and through giving them the chance most of us had at birth. Teaching to fish rather than giving out fish.
So I am grateful to have lived a life that has allowed me to experience this. Because I used to judge. And now I don't. Now I have empathy.
Hopefully my experience, and my little explanation above is enough to help you to not judge the billowing smoke coming from exhausts, or when your lower level employee comes asking for an advance to ask if there's a problem at home that you can help with.
Hopefully hearing about the other side of life will help you gain the empathy I got, without having to learn it the hard way.
It got me thinking about the huge differences in people's life styles. On the one hand you have people who can afford their own planes, living in huge homes, eating the yummiest, best quality food, having more clothes than they can wear in a year, private boats and able to afford holidays overseas a few times a year. Not to mention if they start feeling unwell they can afford to see a private doctor. On the other hand you have the people who work for them who live in shacks, eat mostly cheap, poor quality, carb based foods (because it's the cheapest way to feel full) and if they get sick have to face the government clinics and hospitals. Which is enough of a nightmare that most people who use these facilities wait until they feel like they are dying before they go.
Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge anyone their success or circumstance. But I do wonder if these elite people are even aware of the challenges that the 99% face in their daily lives. Of walking for hours to get to work, to get paid a monthly salary that's less than their weekly grocery bill.
It makes me almost grateful that I do know how the 99% live. That I am living like the 99% live. That I know what it's like to choose petrol for my car over food for the house, because if I can't get to work there will be no food next month. Why do I say this?
I can remember very clearly when I was more middle class than down on my luck... Overhearing a conversation between a director of the company I was working for explaining to the cleaning / tea lady that she needed to learn to budget her money better than constantly needing an advance.
Let's break this down: a person earning a director's salary, who can afford to pay out of pocket expenses like medical bills that aren't quite covered by their medical aid, a car service, vet bills; is telling a person who earns less than a weekly grocery bill to budget better.
I'd rather know what it's like that every cent is literally allocated to barely surviving. Where a sick child, a car service or any other surprise expense is not so much an inconvenience that means this month I can't get a new outfit, or need to cut back on eating out. It's having to choose food over that expense.
It's listening to a group of people in a skills development course discussing what to do if they catch a person stealing sugar from the work place. The expected answer is to report that person for theft. Hearing their answer humbled me. They explained they would approach this thief and find out why they are stealing sugar (maybe this person doesn't have food at home and they will instead create a stokvel to help them out).
Knowing what I do about that inequality in living, and how easily through no fault of a person but through a series of unfortunate events life can go from comfortable to poverty stricken in a matter of moments. It's having empathy with cars billowing black smoke because you know what it means. It means they are choosing to eat over getting a service, because even with the black smoke their car is still going.
If more people out there knew what the real world, outside of financial freedom, was like. There would be more of us campaigning for equality. For upliftment. Not charity, for raising people up through education and through giving them the chance most of us had at birth. Teaching to fish rather than giving out fish.
So I am grateful to have lived a life that has allowed me to experience this. Because I used to judge. And now I don't. Now I have empathy.
Hopefully my experience, and my little explanation above is enough to help you to not judge the billowing smoke coming from exhausts, or when your lower level employee comes asking for an advance to ask if there's a problem at home that you can help with.
Hopefully hearing about the other side of life will help you gain the empathy I got, without having to learn it the hard way.
Sunday 13 January 2019
Sending Good Vibes - or Resonance Frequency and Vibration
So the biggest slam I see on the airy fairy folk is that of sending good vibes, or prayers and so on. So let's break that down into the science behind frequency, and vibration, how it is possible to manipulate it, and then the airy fairy stuff that ties into it.
For ease of writing I have included a list of links at the bottom of the page to the websites I got the science bit from. Disclaimer: I am not, and will never pretend to be a scientist. I have muddled through the big words (with a dictionary) so if there is a misunderstanding it is mine and mine alone.
So first the science bit in a nutshell: Frequency
Various studies over the years has confirmed that the human body does have a resonance frequency, and that it is possible for resonance frequencies outside the body to affect it. Our brain, skin, heart and other organs have different frequencies they resonate at (reference points 3 and 4 below).
The Semantics Scholar (reference 1 below) reported that both mental and physical injury was reported in his experiments where he subjected (mostly animals) to various frequencies.
The National Technical Information Service US Department of Commerce (reference 2 below) stated that the higher the frequency people were subjected to resulted in a proportionately higher damage to the body.
Our computers, lights, all electronics and many objects give off a resonance frequency, which we are then subjected to all day every day in the office, at home, and even out and about (reference points 5, 6 and 7).
Our planet has a frequency measured on the Schumann Resonance which can be found at Geocenter (reference point 8). The Schumann Resonance is nicely described by NASA (reference point 9).
Then the thoughts our brain produces creates various resonance frequencies depending on what we are using our mind for (gonna just start putting the numbers here from now - 10). This information has been used by sleep clinics and others to create music at various frequencies to stimulate better sleep, better memory retention and more. You can google that one yourself.
So to conclude our bodies have a resonance frequency, and everything around us has a resonance frequency, and our bodies are affected by the resonance frequency of everything around us. And what has been found to work (by myself and others) is using external frequencies (like music) to affect how our mind and body works (you can go to YouTube and find hundreds of thousands of video's to prove this, or even just think about how your favourite song can make you feel better).
Vibration
We learnt in school that everything is made up of atoms (14) and that these atoms are constantly moving (vibrating). These atoms in solid state are so attracted to each other, that even though they are constantly vibrating they don't go anywhere. We also got to do an experiment in high school (and is described better in the same reference point) where we heated a small metal ball, and then found it got bigger and couldn't go through a small hoop. Then when we cooled that same ball, it would fit in the loop, and when the ball got cold there was room to spare. Which is proof that the atoms were affected by outside influences, heat and cold, which caused the atoms in the metal ball to move further apart and closer together respectively.
All atoms have energy. This energy is what causes all molecules to vibrate even in a solid state (15,16,17). Magnetic fields have been seen to affect sound and heat waves, which engineers can then use to control heat and sound (18). We can see many video's on YouTube where sound is used to make pretty patterns in water and sand showing us the vibrations and frequency of the sound, and proving that sound waves can cause movement in other particles.
Crystals (like the ones the hippies wear as jewelry and use to hippie up their houses) are being studied in various places as a better way to provide energy to technological devices as an energy efficient internal battery (19). Converting the energy found in the molecules of the crystal into energy to power a device. Maybe them hippies are onto something with these crystals. You can even make your own battery using quartz crystal or a diamond (20) by your very self.
Prayer, mediation and other airy fairy wish wash has started to get researchers interested in scientific study. Although not many yet. Meditation has been found to increase frequency internally and externally. There are even studies that have shown meditation to stimulate the immune system (which then helps with combating illness) (11, 12, 13).
So to take a bit of an airy fairy leap here considering that science is starting to measure resonance frequency from our brain and body; we have known for a long time that everything vibrates and can be affected by external factors. We know that matter can be affected at an atomic level by outside influence.
Perhaps it's not all that unreasonable to send prayers, good vibes and the likes to people who need it. Maybe science will be able to measure the effect of using our minds to manipulate the frequencies around us.
Or maybe it takes a little faith.
Bibliography (and not one Woolfe among them)
1. https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/e8c3/a24c29e92c115fbc7f6f2f28f2088d59b901.pdf
2. https://apps.dtic.mil/dtic/tr/fulltext/u2/785648.pdf
3. https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/the-frequency-of-the-human-body-is.231156/
4. http://adsabs.harvard.edu/abs/2001SPIE.4317..469B
5. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanical_resonance (I know Wiki gets a sigh, but sometimes they have it right)
6. https://www.physlink.com/education/askexperts/ae698.cfm
7. https://sciencing.com/resonant-frequencies-7569469.html
8. https://geocenter.info/en/monitoring/schumann
9. https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/sunearth/news/gallery/schumann-resonance.html
10. https://hypertextbook.com/facts/2004/SamanthaCharles.shtml
11. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0170647
12. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Davidson-Mindfulness_on_Brain_and_Immune_Functionpdf.pdf
13. http://www.wuttkeinstitute.com/meditation/
14. http://www.middleschoolchemistry.com/lessonplans/chapter1/lesson4
15. https://chemistry.stackexchange.com/questions/8213/reason-for-vibration-of-molecules
16. https://www.quora.com/How-do-atomic-particles-vibrate
17. https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/article/the-good-vibrations-of-quantum-field-theories/
18. http://theconversation.com/magnetic-fields-can-control-heat-and-sound-39154
19. https://www.azom.com/news.aspx?newsID=49155
20. https://sciencing.com/make-electricity-quartz-diamonds-6456846.html
For ease of writing I have included a list of links at the bottom of the page to the websites I got the science bit from. Disclaimer: I am not, and will never pretend to be a scientist. I have muddled through the big words (with a dictionary) so if there is a misunderstanding it is mine and mine alone.
So first the science bit in a nutshell: Frequency
Various studies over the years has confirmed that the human body does have a resonance frequency, and that it is possible for resonance frequencies outside the body to affect it. Our brain, skin, heart and other organs have different frequencies they resonate at (reference points 3 and 4 below).The Semantics Scholar (reference 1 below) reported that both mental and physical injury was reported in his experiments where he subjected (mostly animals) to various frequencies.
The National Technical Information Service US Department of Commerce (reference 2 below) stated that the higher the frequency people were subjected to resulted in a proportionately higher damage to the body.
Our computers, lights, all electronics and many objects give off a resonance frequency, which we are then subjected to all day every day in the office, at home, and even out and about (reference points 5, 6 and 7).
Our planet has a frequency measured on the Schumann Resonance which can be found at Geocenter (reference point 8). The Schumann Resonance is nicely described by NASA (reference point 9).
Then the thoughts our brain produces creates various resonance frequencies depending on what we are using our mind for (gonna just start putting the numbers here from now - 10). This information has been used by sleep clinics and others to create music at various frequencies to stimulate better sleep, better memory retention and more. You can google that one yourself.
So to conclude our bodies have a resonance frequency, and everything around us has a resonance frequency, and our bodies are affected by the resonance frequency of everything around us. And what has been found to work (by myself and others) is using external frequencies (like music) to affect how our mind and body works (you can go to YouTube and find hundreds of thousands of video's to prove this, or even just think about how your favourite song can make you feel better).
Vibration
We learnt in school that everything is made up of atoms (14) and that these atoms are constantly moving (vibrating). These atoms in solid state are so attracted to each other, that even though they are constantly vibrating they don't go anywhere. We also got to do an experiment in high school (and is described better in the same reference point) where we heated a small metal ball, and then found it got bigger and couldn't go through a small hoop. Then when we cooled that same ball, it would fit in the loop, and when the ball got cold there was room to spare. Which is proof that the atoms were affected by outside influences, heat and cold, which caused the atoms in the metal ball to move further apart and closer together respectively.
All atoms have energy. This energy is what causes all molecules to vibrate even in a solid state (15,16,17). Magnetic fields have been seen to affect sound and heat waves, which engineers can then use to control heat and sound (18). We can see many video's on YouTube where sound is used to make pretty patterns in water and sand showing us the vibrations and frequency of the sound, and proving that sound waves can cause movement in other particles.
Crystals (like the ones the hippies wear as jewelry and use to hippie up their houses) are being studied in various places as a better way to provide energy to technological devices as an energy efficient internal battery (19). Converting the energy found in the molecules of the crystal into energy to power a device. Maybe them hippies are onto something with these crystals. You can even make your own battery using quartz crystal or a diamond (20) by your very self.
Prayer, mediation and other airy fairy wish wash has started to get researchers interested in scientific study. Although not many yet. Meditation has been found to increase frequency internally and externally. There are even studies that have shown meditation to stimulate the immune system (which then helps with combating illness) (11, 12, 13).
So to take a bit of an airy fairy leap here considering that science is starting to measure resonance frequency from our brain and body; we have known for a long time that everything vibrates and can be affected by external factors. We know that matter can be affected at an atomic level by outside influence.
Perhaps it's not all that unreasonable to send prayers, good vibes and the likes to people who need it. Maybe science will be able to measure the effect of using our minds to manipulate the frequencies around us.
Or maybe it takes a little faith.
Bibliography (and not one Woolfe among them)
1. https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/e8c3/a24c29e92c115fbc7f6f2f28f2088d59b901.pdf
2. https://apps.dtic.mil/dtic/tr/fulltext/u2/785648.pdf
3. https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/the-frequency-of-the-human-body-is.231156/
4. http://adsabs.harvard.edu/abs/2001SPIE.4317..469B
5. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanical_resonance (I know Wiki gets a sigh, but sometimes they have it right)
6. https://www.physlink.com/education/askexperts/ae698.cfm
7. https://sciencing.com/resonant-frequencies-7569469.html
8. https://geocenter.info/en/monitoring/schumann
9. https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/sunearth/news/gallery/schumann-resonance.html
10. https://hypertextbook.com/facts/2004/SamanthaCharles.shtml
11. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0170647
12. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Davidson-Mindfulness_on_Brain_and_Immune_Functionpdf.pdf
13. http://www.wuttkeinstitute.com/meditation/
14. http://www.middleschoolchemistry.com/lessonplans/chapter1/lesson4
15. https://chemistry.stackexchange.com/questions/8213/reason-for-vibration-of-molecules
16. https://www.quora.com/How-do-atomic-particles-vibrate
17. https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/article/the-good-vibrations-of-quantum-field-theories/
18. http://theconversation.com/magnetic-fields-can-control-heat-and-sound-39154
19. https://www.azom.com/news.aspx?newsID=49155
20. https://sciencing.com/make-electricity-quartz-diamonds-6456846.html
Sunday 6 January 2019
I See You
We've all watched James Cameron's Avatar I'm sure. If you are part of the one percent who hasn't please do!
There's a large focus in the film around the Na'vi greeting and what it means. Of course I refer to "I see you"...
The explanation from James Cameron's Website explains it perfectly:
I See You is a greeting. In the Na'vi language, it is expressed Oel ngati kame for a neutral greeting or Oel ngati kameie to express a positive feeling about meeting someone. Furthermore, the Na'vi have two versions of the verb see:
The spiritual or understanding sight is the main focus of my thoughts today. We feel the call to be seen in all areas of our lives.
Our children, who are still honest enough to call us (repeatedly) to watch them jump, swing, and climb. Who call on us to see them. And not just for a moment with our physical vision. To see with our spiritual vision and understand how proud our children are to be doing what they do, and how desperately they want to share this with us.
Our friends, and family, who we visit. We go there to see them. Everyone of us, if we are honest, feels better when we are seen by others. Especially by our loved ones.
In a world that is filled with busy-ness we often see our phones, and the work we need to do. Or the social media content we need to keep up with.
See-ing is so much more than that, and should encompass more than just our little circle.
I’m sure all South Africans have noticed that on every street corner and at every robot there are beggars. Blind ones, amputees, burn victims, children, women with children, old men, old women black, white… so many. People handing out pamphlets, selling mobile car chargers, window washers.
We drive past them hardly even seeing them anymore because we are becoming so desensitised to these tragic people. We keep our windows up, glasses on and stare straight ahead. I watch these people as I drive by. Some keep their spirits up and make a joke of it for themselves to try and catch your eye. Most however are dejected and just go through the motions. Or even sit, or stand, on the side of the road staring into space.
Having been in dire straights myself I know how easily one goes from a comfortable life of food every day to a life of hunger and invisibility. It's all a series of unfortunate events that grind down the soul. This also leads to more and more people turning away, to friends "forgetting" your phone number, to family turning away. The lower I fell, the less I was seen. I was viewed as an inconvenience. As a beggar. Once even as someone who would take advantage of a roof over my head to steal. And it hurt. A lot.
Not my true friends, thankfully for me. They have kept in touch despite my trying to hide, and have seen me, and not just my situation.
Having learnt how invisibility feels, I know what a precious gift being seen really is.
So often we are in a rush. Time and acknowledgement of presence is often the first thing we stop giving other people. People are starved for contact, for time with another being, for touch. It’s the most valuable gift to give…. Your time. Eye contact, and listening. These are such rare commodities now days that this starved culture is finding a void inside their beings where this contact would normally be.
Think of kids of very successful parents who have all the electronic gadgets that money can buy. The stereotype of brat-ish kids whose parents are never around. The ones in movies that we usually feel sorry for because they just want their parents love and time. Not the latest iPad.
Think of the culture of substance abuse, especially among the lower echelons of society, who try and fill that void with any substance they can. Who are so unhappy in the real world they would rather take or drink anything to no longer be there. You don't need to condone substance abuse, or the ramifications from that. Just understand the cause. It might help treat the symptoms.
Instead of judging with your physical sight, try and understand with your spiritual sight.
Try it with your kids, loved ones, parents, and even beggars on the side of the road. Look them in the eye. See them. Give them a reason to feel seen for just a moment and make the biggest difference to more people than you could count when the ripple of acknowledgement spreads like wildfire.
One day at a time.
When I see my children I leave my phone in my bag, and spend hours playing with them, seeing them, listening to them. From this we have a very special relationship. My teen will freely tell me she loves me, and that I'm the best mom. I have fewer photo's with them, and more memories. We dance, and sing, and act silly just because.
I see them. And if we are to meet, as passer-by's at a shop, or on the street, I will see you too.
There's a large focus in the film around the Na'vi greeting and what it means. Of course I refer to "I see you"...
The explanation from James Cameron's Website explains it perfectly:
I See You is a greeting. In the Na'vi language, it is expressed Oel ngati kame for a neutral greeting or Oel ngati kameie to express a positive feeling about meeting someone. Furthermore, the Na'vi have two versions of the verb see:
- tse'a, which pertains to physical vision.
- kame, which means to see in a spiritual sense. It is more closely a synonym of "understand" or "comprehend."
The spiritual or understanding sight is the main focus of my thoughts today. We feel the call to be seen in all areas of our lives.
Our children, who are still honest enough to call us (repeatedly) to watch them jump, swing, and climb. Who call on us to see them. And not just for a moment with our physical vision. To see with our spiritual vision and understand how proud our children are to be doing what they do, and how desperately they want to share this with us.
Our friends, and family, who we visit. We go there to see them. Everyone of us, if we are honest, feels better when we are seen by others. Especially by our loved ones.
In a world that is filled with busy-ness we often see our phones, and the work we need to do. Or the social media content we need to keep up with.
See-ing is so much more than that, and should encompass more than just our little circle.
I’m sure all South Africans have noticed that on every street corner and at every robot there are beggars. Blind ones, amputees, burn victims, children, women with children, old men, old women black, white… so many. People handing out pamphlets, selling mobile car chargers, window washers.
We drive past them hardly even seeing them anymore because we are becoming so desensitised to these tragic people. We keep our windows up, glasses on and stare straight ahead. I watch these people as I drive by. Some keep their spirits up and make a joke of it for themselves to try and catch your eye. Most however are dejected and just go through the motions. Or even sit, or stand, on the side of the road staring into space.
Having been in dire straights myself I know how easily one goes from a comfortable life of food every day to a life of hunger and invisibility. It's all a series of unfortunate events that grind down the soul. This also leads to more and more people turning away, to friends "forgetting" your phone number, to family turning away. The lower I fell, the less I was seen. I was viewed as an inconvenience. As a beggar. Once even as someone who would take advantage of a roof over my head to steal. And it hurt. A lot.
Not my true friends, thankfully for me. They have kept in touch despite my trying to hide, and have seen me, and not just my situation.
Having learnt how invisibility feels, I know what a precious gift being seen really is.
So often we are in a rush. Time and acknowledgement of presence is often the first thing we stop giving other people. People are starved for contact, for time with another being, for touch. It’s the most valuable gift to give…. Your time. Eye contact, and listening. These are such rare commodities now days that this starved culture is finding a void inside their beings where this contact would normally be.
Think of kids of very successful parents who have all the electronic gadgets that money can buy. The stereotype of brat-ish kids whose parents are never around. The ones in movies that we usually feel sorry for because they just want their parents love and time. Not the latest iPad.
Think of the culture of substance abuse, especially among the lower echelons of society, who try and fill that void with any substance they can. Who are so unhappy in the real world they would rather take or drink anything to no longer be there. You don't need to condone substance abuse, or the ramifications from that. Just understand the cause. It might help treat the symptoms.
Instead of judging with your physical sight, try and understand with your spiritual sight.
Try it with your kids, loved ones, parents, and even beggars on the side of the road. Look them in the eye. See them. Give them a reason to feel seen for just a moment and make the biggest difference to more people than you could count when the ripple of acknowledgement spreads like wildfire.
One day at a time.
When I see my children I leave my phone in my bag, and spend hours playing with them, seeing them, listening to them. From this we have a very special relationship. My teen will freely tell me she loves me, and that I'm the best mom. I have fewer photo's with them, and more memories. We dance, and sing, and act silly just because.
I see them. And if we are to meet, as passer-by's at a shop, or on the street, I will see you too.
Tuesday 1 January 2019
New Year New Speech
As we head into a new year, creating resolutions to become better people, I would like to add my little two cents for consideration.
The truest gift to receive is being part of changing a person's life in a positive and meaningful way.
Like an Oprah-esque level of change. Life changing. You know the ones: Where you’re sitting with a huge grin, tears pricking your eyes or shamelessly pouring down your cheeks as you watch someone who has lived through unimaginable challenges being given their dreams on a diamond crusted platinum platter.
It happened to me recently. Minus the budget. One of the roles I play is facilitator for (mostly) uneducated and unemployed women through certified courses to be more employable, and on this day one of the women burst into tears in the workshop...
Why?
Because this is the first time in her life she absolutely believes she can follow her dreams.
Because when she asked me during our lesson if I believed she had what it takes, and I said yes. Cue the healing tears bursting forth from her. Great big sobs. Which felt wonderful to behold knowing this lady is going from rock bottom to the opportunity of landing her dream job because I believe in her. I didn’t even need squillions of dollars to do it.
Before you ask, yes I got teary. As did the other learners in the class.
It had me thinking about the true power behind our words. It is humbling to be aware of this power, and even more so to watch this power in action. J.K Rowling herself has said: "Words are, in my not- so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it."
Abracadabra! The word used by magicians the world over to make magic happen, is Hebrew for “I create as I speak”. Books such as The Secret all deal with controlling the internal dialogue to manifest our desires, citing various rags-to-riches stories to prove these methods.
One word, spoken in love, has given a woman the confidence she needs after a series of hurt after hurt knocked her down. From being rejected by her mom at birth; to raising another woman's children as a child herself; watching these kids go to school while she has to stay home; and because she has no education told how dumb and useless she is... She is now shining from one little word. A single syllable!
Imagine if we all start using our words, the ones we use all the time to everyone daily, for good. At work, at home, with strangers, with kids, with adults, and possibly most importantly with ourselves.
Imagine a world filled with people who are able to follow their dreams and be passionate with it...
Imagine your children following their dreams and growing into happy adults, ready to change the world because they know they can. Children who grow into self-sufficient adults glowing with confidence…
Imagine the success of your company being built on upliftment and employee happiness. Not the stereotypical sitcom corporate "happy": real happy. A company filled with employees that love Monday morning's because it's work time. From your executives to the cleaning staff! Working as a perfect team, supportive, efficient. Everything runs smoothly because each employee is proud of who they are and the role they play in your company for the ultimate client experience...
It's as easy as the words you speak. Are you building and empowering with your words?
Or not?
Building needs to be done with proper compassion. With true interest in the individual.
The airy fairy hippy way. Remembering we are one.
Seeing every individual and purposefully seeking and growing their strengths. Looking for the uniqueness and the value this unique strength has for the individual and your company. The challenge is finding this gift. Giving every individual the opportunity to find their gift, and learn their value. What I can pretty much guarantee is making it a practice to find this gift in every individual in your company, then nurturing this gift and empowering this individual with this gift will create a loyalty to your company that cannot be bought.
The best part of all of this? I'm nobody. I'm just some girl, who after a series of unfortunate events has managed to find rock bottom. Seriously broke. Who was inspired today by a woman in a worse situation inspired by me... Using just one word.
It got me imagining a world of people being empowered by more powerful words. Words that cost thousands of rands a second to utter, being used to start a trend of mindfulness. Mindful of the power of those words to everyone they come into contact with. Choosing friendly and genuine over powerful and aloof.
If you think about it, this article in a nutshell covers most of the HR management techniques for staff retention and loyalty, increased revenue and profit, etc.
Just a lot simpler, and in my personal airy fairy executive summary mode.
The truest gift to receive is being part of changing a person's life in a positive and meaningful way.
Like an Oprah-esque level of change. Life changing. You know the ones: Where you’re sitting with a huge grin, tears pricking your eyes or shamelessly pouring down your cheeks as you watch someone who has lived through unimaginable challenges being given their dreams on a diamond crusted platinum platter.
It happened to me recently. Minus the budget. One of the roles I play is facilitator for (mostly) uneducated and unemployed women through certified courses to be more employable, and on this day one of the women burst into tears in the workshop...
Why?
Because this is the first time in her life she absolutely believes she can follow her dreams.
Because when she asked me during our lesson if I believed she had what it takes, and I said yes. Cue the healing tears bursting forth from her. Great big sobs. Which felt wonderful to behold knowing this lady is going from rock bottom to the opportunity of landing her dream job because I believe in her. I didn’t even need squillions of dollars to do it.
Before you ask, yes I got teary. As did the other learners in the class.
It had me thinking about the true power behind our words. It is humbling to be aware of this power, and even more so to watch this power in action. J.K Rowling herself has said: "Words are, in my not- so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it."
Abracadabra! The word used by magicians the world over to make magic happen, is Hebrew for “I create as I speak”. Books such as The Secret all deal with controlling the internal dialogue to manifest our desires, citing various rags-to-riches stories to prove these methods.
One word, spoken in love, has given a woman the confidence she needs after a series of hurt after hurt knocked her down. From being rejected by her mom at birth; to raising another woman's children as a child herself; watching these kids go to school while she has to stay home; and because she has no education told how dumb and useless she is... She is now shining from one little word. A single syllable!
Imagine if we all start using our words, the ones we use all the time to everyone daily, for good. At work, at home, with strangers, with kids, with adults, and possibly most importantly with ourselves.
Imagine a world filled with people who are able to follow their dreams and be passionate with it...
Imagine your children following their dreams and growing into happy adults, ready to change the world because they know they can. Children who grow into self-sufficient adults glowing with confidence…
Imagine the success of your company being built on upliftment and employee happiness. Not the stereotypical sitcom corporate "happy": real happy. A company filled with employees that love Monday morning's because it's work time. From your executives to the cleaning staff! Working as a perfect team, supportive, efficient. Everything runs smoothly because each employee is proud of who they are and the role they play in your company for the ultimate client experience...
It's as easy as the words you speak. Are you building and empowering with your words?
Or not?
Building needs to be done with proper compassion. With true interest in the individual.
The airy fairy hippy way. Remembering we are one.
Seeing every individual and purposefully seeking and growing their strengths. Looking for the uniqueness and the value this unique strength has for the individual and your company. The challenge is finding this gift. Giving every individual the opportunity to find their gift, and learn their value. What I can pretty much guarantee is making it a practice to find this gift in every individual in your company, then nurturing this gift and empowering this individual with this gift will create a loyalty to your company that cannot be bought.
The best part of all of this? I'm nobody. I'm just some girl, who after a series of unfortunate events has managed to find rock bottom. Seriously broke. Who was inspired today by a woman in a worse situation inspired by me... Using just one word.
It got me imagining a world of people being empowered by more powerful words. Words that cost thousands of rands a second to utter, being used to start a trend of mindfulness. Mindful of the power of those words to everyone they come into contact with. Choosing friendly and genuine over powerful and aloof.
If you think about it, this article in a nutshell covers most of the HR management techniques for staff retention and loyalty, increased revenue and profit, etc.
Just a lot simpler, and in my personal airy fairy executive summary mode.
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