Don't get me wrong. As we settled into our new roles as "Team Parent" we've had our share of up's and down's. Especially in the first few years. Now, however, we are a strong team with our kids best interest in mind.
Mostly with thanks to my lawyer. She told me something when I started my divorce journey that shifted my paradigm for divorce: "Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."
This is the hugest part when considering divorce. It's not about your hurt, or getting back at your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. The divorce is ending your hurt. It's about creating a future for your kids. Their financial stability and emotional well-being needs to come first.
The other contributing factor to my Team Parent outcome was my childhood. I grew up without a father. Which was OK in a lot of ways (I have an awesome mom), however I couldn't help but feel the absence of half of my family tree. Even now as an adult. So I approached my divorce on the strength of deeply desiring the father of my girls be a part of their life, and that my girls get to know, and have a relationship with, their paternal branch of family.
In the presence of my children no-one was allowed to say anything negative about their father. Even if they were sleeping (we all know how well kids listen to anything they aren't supposed to hear) because it wasn't my place to make up their mind about their dad. I certainly never wanted to be in a position where my kids could hate me for trying to poison their minds about their father. For me this has paid off with the strength of our Team Parent family. Where his girlfriend (and her kids), and my boyfriend (and his no kids), are a part of our expanded family, and we all want what is best for our kids. I include my ex-husband's girlfriend's kids in this statement by the way. She, and her kids, are now a part of our family after all...
Best part of being in a Team Parent family: My girls can't play us off against each other. Their dad and I speak all the time. We know what is happening in their lives, both positive and negative, and we back each other up. We are a united front.
Disclaimer: Sometimes the spouse you leave is not fit to be a parent. Mine certainly wasn't. If your spouse is one of those unfit ones, then please disregard what I am saying. What saddens me, and prompted the writing of this article, is watching friends (and strangers) trying to fight for their right to be a parent. Usually the father. Because as we all know the mother has the most rights according to the legal system...
Taking the divorce back a few steps: You loved the person you are divorcing enough to have children with them. You need to honour this part of your children, and do your best to remember that your kids are half someone else. Your kids have the right to not have to choose who their favourite parent is. Your kids have the right to know what about both their parents was amazing enough for them to exist.
Backing that paragraph up to where it started for me...
Before the divorce we tried couple's counselling. Where the counselor was surprised I hadn't changed my last name. She asked what my kids will feel when I was happy to have kids with their father but not happy enough to take his last name. In a happy coincidence Home Affairs registered me with my girls last name. Now I proudly carry that name in honour of the man who is a part of these awesome beings I call my kids. I'm stoked to have the same last name as them! So much so that if I choose to marry again I will double-barrel the last name to keep the name I share with my girls (I am a feminist - and the story about why I'm happy to change my last name is another article for another time, let's keep the focus on the Team Parent stuff for this article please!).
In a world where father's are often absent, and there are more than a few deadbeats out there to back up the stereotype, let's stop breaking families up where the father wants to be involved. Rather let us focus on how to create a new role going forward, where our kids get to have both branches of their family tree. Let our kids benefit from adults working together for their future.
They are just kids after all. And we are supposed to protect them and put them first.
If you're able to put the hurt behind you, then you get the other benefit of a happy divorce: Adult time. AKA visitation schedule... When your spouse has your kids you get full on adult time! It's awesome!
What else is awesome? Hitting the teen years with kids who can't pull a fast one by lying to one parent then the other (because we already spoke and know the truth).
There are so many father's out there fighting for the right to see their kids. Probably enough to change the stereotype of deadbeat dad back into super dad!
If you take away one snippet from my article this week
just remember what my lawyer said:
"Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."
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