First Impressions, Perceptions and Misunderstandings

I was introduced to a lady before meeting her with various warnings about her perceived attitude recently. The warnings were enough to make me very nervous indeed. Especially because I was going to be working very closely with this lady for a couple of days.

Imagine my surprise when I met this lady and she turned out to be one of my favourite people I've had the pleasure of working with!

This lady really struggles with English, and much of who she is got lost in translation. Not to mention after learning more about her life I had an absolute paradigm shift on how she was misunderstood, and I have helped her line manager to understand her better as well.

This stuck with me since then. How often is a first impression skewed by a language barrier? Or not allowing ourselves to see further than the surface to the person inside?

Often I have been asked to work with difficult people, or in difficult situations, only to find out the first impression caused a misunderstanding that lead to conflict. From my waitressing days being given the "difficult" tables who are upset and want to leave, to a facilitator of domestic workers being asked to adjust a difficult attitude (which FYI is NOT part of the job description).

When we meet friends of friends, colleagues from another department, or new people for the first time perhaps our first impression is not the one we need to focus on. Maybe we'll find a gem of a person hidden inside that was missed the first time.

There is an understanding happening with children that often a child who needs more love will act out in the worst possible way. Where the outside behaviour is unloving, difficult, and pushy. While inside this little being is an empty spot that needs a hug. Perhaps this is more true of adults. Where a difficult person who is "offish" or "stuck-up" in reality is desperate for someone to see through that outside shell to the person hiding inside. 

Many people learn to cope with difficult feelings or life experiences by burying them deep inside, and building a wall around those feelings to prevent the hurt from happening again. Sometimes people try and share their hurt, and get so put down, they are too scared to show their scars.

Maybe, like many of us, our feelings were invalidated growing up. We were taught to suppress our feelings, like they are something bad. So as adults we don't have coping mechanisms for strong feelings. Enter an adult world filled with depression, repressed anger, and a general inability to cope if things start going badly. The number of people seeing therapists, and on medicine for their mental health, might agree with me.

I'd like to see a culture where we no longer take the first impression of people as our measure of who they are as a person. Let's rather go for an over-all view. Where instead of looking at the outside we start looking for who they are on the inside.

This doesn't mean we need to start having those airy fairy get togethers and hug-it-out sessions (although would that really be so bad?). It's more just a reminder to look a little deeper. Is this person a trouble maker, or are they struggling with something deeper?

The misconception that we never bring our problems to work with us true in many ways. However considering we spend the bulk of our waking hours away from home, maybe we need to start being more open to taking a holistic view of employees and how their personal lives do shape the person they are at work.

If nothing else you will find that struggling employee will start being happier at work, feeling valued by the organisation where they spend their waking hours. A valued employee is a loyal employee. 

Richard Branson will tell you that he only looks after his employees. He knows that employees that are happy, will look after the clients, which improves the bottom line as happy clients will come back, and bring their friends.