The Champagne Bottle Effect

The world is filled with over emotional people. Look at how, for want of a better word, "mainstream" anxiety and depression is currently. All from being taught from child hood to suppress and repress. 

While today's children are being raised more holistically to manage rather than suppress their emotions, most of us were taught that there is no space for negative feelings. To hide our tears and fears. To suck it up and move on.

Then when we reach critical breaking point, like a champagne bottle that is shaken continuously, we explode.

Look at the world exploding with anger and violence. Look at the amount of people on some sort of anxiety or depression or other type of mental health medication.

If we look at a toddler who has a tantrum, in effect that toddler is having an emotional breakdown. We punish this "bad behavior" teaching the toddler that emotional outbursts are wrong, and sometimes embarrassing. Especially when we're in public.

Jump forward a few decades and we find adults who are struggling to heal their inner hurt, or even to acknowledge that the hurt is there.

How do we fix this? The answer is simple and super airy fairy... Love. 

Just as a toddler will respond to love while they struggle to learn how to manage their emotions, we need to find ways to lovingly search out our inner hurts, and guide ourselves through the pain. 

We need to find ways to allow for emotional beings to no longer feel embarrassed or scared to admit to what they're feeling.

Sounds really simple doesn't it? In reality it's not quite as simple as that seems. We need tons of patience to unearth the years of suppression coping methods, to gently ease into a comfortable space that will encourage the openness to reveal the hurt, and pour love onto that pain so healing may begin.

Most airy fairy sorts spend years in meditation and other disciplines to delve into their inner selves to work on themselves from the inside out.

Some people aren't even aware of how much they have repressed. 

Some might be too scared to start the journey to self development because the task seems insurmountable.

So as we come to the end of the month of love, let's think about how we can open our hearts to ourselves, and heal from within.

At the very least, let's work on the next generation and teach proper coping mechanisms for dealing with emotions, and break the suppression cycle.

May harmony find you!

Why we need to look at Toxic Femininity

I was having a discussion on Facebook (as one does), in the comments section of a meme with a friend of mine recently. The discussion was around: Why do women hate their step kids, but want the step father to love her biological kids.

I had the words toxic femininity pop into my head... Imagine my surprise when I found that it's already a term! The definition according to Urban Dictionary is: 

"A social science term that describes narrow repressive type of ideas about the female gender role, that defines femininity as exaggerated feminine traits like being sensitive, emotional, having a perfect appearance, and so forth. One can be feminine without being toxic."

To me it's so much more than the examples given on Urban Dictionary though (those examples in a nutshell is like hitting your boyfriend, and then if he wants to hit back saying you can't because I'm a woman; and women doing the mean girls gossip thing). It's the need to be right no matter what because I'm female. It's the need to have hair extensions, false nails, perfect makeup, and be the "popular girl" no matter how mean that makes me. It's playing games with relationships to force proof of love. It's playing games with the emotions of others. It's bordering on narcissistic type behaviour. Shallow, beauty queen types who see others as props in their drama.

It's creating a stereotype of a gender that girls and women are falling into. Like the hashtag we see flying around for toxic masculinity we need to wake up that women can - and are - just as possible of toxicity.

Where did this all come from? Why have we forgotten that we are looking for a life partner in relationships (not a person to fit a role). Why have we forgotten that the friendships we form are better if no-one is playing games? 

The airy fairy folk have it right. If you go to one of their gatherings (like a drumming circle if you want a tame introduction) you will see people laughing, hugging, and being real. You won't see women hitting their boyfriends, turning noses up at new comers until their social status has been proven. You won't see men getting aggressive because they've had a couple of brewskies and he's sure the other oke was checking out his chick. You might enjoy it! You'll definitely be welcomed so genuinely that you'll probably go back.

These are the people who have done the work on their emotions. These are the people who practice the "We are one" way of thinking. They know that we are all the same, and no one is better than the other based on their gender, what they do, or where they come from.

These are the people who look for, and create, balance in their lives. 

Balance is an interesting term. Best described by the beloved yin/yang. The balance of evil and good, darkness and light, male and female...

The yin/yang male and female balance does not require one to be more prominent than the other. It allows for male and female to be just as important, and just as irrelevant. It shows us that there is a mix of masculine in the feminine, and feminine in the masculine. It shows us that is the way it should be.

So how do we correct this? How do we change? Pretty easy in my mind (but then I'm special - in many senses of the word). We honour our differences. We remember that fighting for equality means that as equals we do not have special rights because we are female. THAT is equality. 

We honour the masculine and the feminine for the two aspects of creation that they are, seeking neither to change nor label that aspect.

It goes back in many ways to my second post from 6 Jan - I See You. 


It's about looking beyond the physical and seeing the human inside. Once we remember that we are all human, and that we are all souls having a human experience, maybe we'll drop the toxicity and move towards harmony.

May harmony find you!

First Impressions, Perceptions and Misunderstandings

I was introduced to a lady before meeting her with various warnings about her perceived attitude recently. The warnings were enough to make me very nervous indeed. Especially because I was going to be working very closely with this lady for a couple of days.

Imagine my surprise when I met this lady and she turned out to be one of my favourite people I've had the pleasure of working with!

This lady really struggles with English, and much of who she is got lost in translation. Not to mention after learning more about her life I had an absolute paradigm shift on how she was misunderstood, and I have helped her line manager to understand her better as well.

This stuck with me since then. How often is a first impression skewed by a language barrier? Or not allowing ourselves to see further than the surface to the person inside?

Often I have been asked to work with difficult people, or in difficult situations, only to find out the first impression caused a misunderstanding that lead to conflict. From my waitressing days being given the "difficult" tables who are upset and want to leave, to a facilitator of domestic workers being asked to adjust a difficult attitude (which FYI is NOT part of the job description).

When we meet friends of friends, colleagues from another department, or new people for the first time perhaps our first impression is not the one we need to focus on. Maybe we'll find a gem of a person hidden inside that was missed the first time.

There is an understanding happening with children that often a child who needs more love will act out in the worst possible way. Where the outside behaviour is unloving, difficult, and pushy. While inside this little being is an empty spot that needs a hug. Perhaps this is more true of adults. Where a difficult person who is "offish" or "stuck-up" in reality is desperate for someone to see through that outside shell to the person hiding inside. 

Many people learn to cope with difficult feelings or life experiences by burying them deep inside, and building a wall around those feelings to prevent the hurt from happening again. Sometimes people try and share their hurt, and get so put down, they are too scared to show their scars.

Maybe, like many of us, our feelings were invalidated growing up. We were taught to suppress our feelings, like they are something bad. So as adults we don't have coping mechanisms for strong feelings. Enter an adult world filled with depression, repressed anger, and a general inability to cope if things start going badly. The number of people seeing therapists, and on medicine for their mental health, might agree with me.

I'd like to see a culture where we no longer take the first impression of people as our measure of who they are as a person. Let's rather go for an over-all view. Where instead of looking at the outside we start looking for who they are on the inside.

This doesn't mean we need to start having those airy fairy get togethers and hug-it-out sessions (although would that really be so bad?). It's more just a reminder to look a little deeper. Is this person a trouble maker, or are they struggling with something deeper?

The misconception that we never bring our problems to work with us true in many ways. However considering we spend the bulk of our waking hours away from home, maybe we need to start being more open to taking a holistic view of employees and how their personal lives do shape the person they are at work.

If nothing else you will find that struggling employee will start being happier at work, feeling valued by the organisation where they spend their waking hours. A valued employee is a loyal employee. 

Richard Branson will tell you that he only looks after his employees. He knows that employees that are happy, will look after the clients, which improves the bottom line as happy clients will come back, and bring their friends.

Why Divorce Isn't About You

I've been happily divorced for over a decade. My ex-husband and I agree a divorce was the  best thing we did for each other.

Don't get me wrong. As we settled into our new roles as "Team Parent" we've had our share of up's and down's. Especially in the first few years. Now, however, we are a strong team with our kids best interest in mind.

Mostly with thanks to my lawyer. She told me something when I started my divorce journey that shifted my paradigm for divorce: "Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."

This is the hugest part when considering divorce. It's not about your hurt, or getting back at your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. The divorce is ending your hurt. It's about creating a future for your kids. Their financial stability and emotional well-being needs to come first.

The other contributing factor to my Team Parent outcome was my childhood. I grew up without a father. Which was OK in a lot of ways (I have an awesome mom), however I couldn't help but feel the absence of half of my family tree. Even now as an adult. So I approached my divorce on the strength of deeply desiring the father of my girls be a part of their life, and that my girls get to know, and have a relationship with, their paternal branch of family.

In the presence of my children no-one was allowed to say anything negative about their father. Even if they were sleeping (we all know how well kids listen to anything they aren't supposed to hear) because it wasn't my place to make up their mind about their dad. I certainly never wanted to be in a position where my kids could hate me for trying to poison their minds about their father. For me this has paid off with the strength of our Team Parent family. Where his girlfriend (and her kids), and my boyfriend (and his no kids), are a part of our expanded family, and we all want what is best for our kids. I include my ex-husband's girlfriend's kids in this statement by the way. She, and her kids, are now a part of our family after all...

Best part of being in a Team Parent family: My girls can't play us off against each other. Their dad and I speak all the time. We know what is happening in their lives, both positive and negative, and we back each other up. We are a united front. 

Disclaimer: Sometimes the spouse you leave is not fit to be a parent. Mine certainly wasn't. If your spouse is one of those unfit ones, then please disregard what I am saying. What saddens me, and prompted the writing of this article, is watching friends (and strangers) trying to fight for their right to be a parent. Usually the father. Because as we all know the mother has the most rights according to the legal system...

Taking the divorce back a few steps: You loved the person you are divorcing enough to have children with them. You need to honour this part of your children, and do your best to remember that your kids are half someone else. Your kids have the right to not have to choose who their favourite parent is. Your kids have the right to know what about both their parents was amazing enough for them to exist.

Backing that paragraph up to where it started for me...

Before the divorce we tried couple's counselling. Where the counselor was surprised I hadn't changed my last name. She asked what my kids will feel when I was happy to have kids with their father but not happy enough to take his last name. In a happy coincidence Home Affairs registered me with my girls last name. Now I proudly carry that name in honour of the man who is a part of these awesome beings I call my kids. I'm stoked to have the same last name as them! So much so that if I choose to marry again I will double-barrel the last name to keep the name I share with my girls (I am a feminist - and the story about why I'm happy to change my last name is another article for another time, let's keep the focus on the Team Parent stuff for this article please!).

In a world where father's are often absent, and there are more than a few deadbeats out there to back up the stereotype, let's stop breaking families up where the father wants to be involved. Rather let us focus on how to create a new role going forward, where our kids get to have both branches of their family tree. Let our kids benefit from adults working together for their future. 

They are just kids after all. And we are supposed to protect them and put them first.

If you're able to put the hurt behind you, then you get the other benefit of a happy divorce: Adult time. AKA visitation schedule... When your spouse has your kids you get full on adult time! It's awesome!

What else is awesome? Hitting the teen years with kids who can't pull a fast one by lying to one parent then the other (because we already spoke and know the truth).

There are so many father's out there fighting for the right to see their kids. Probably enough to change the stereotype of deadbeat dad back into super dad!

If you take away one snippet from my article this week 

just remember what my lawyer said: 

"Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."