The Sound Behind My Silence

It's not easy to admit to, especially being the strong independent woman I am. However I've realised something... The more we talk about it the easier it becomes to lose the stigma... So it's almost unfair of me to be silent when speaking out encourages strength in others. For we are not alone.

I've been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. For me I sometimes become paralyzed with my thoughts.

I cannot get anything done. I can't write, I can't clean, I can't attend to my personal hygiene unless I have to be around people... Because heaven forbid anyone needs to be burdened with my pain.

I wrote the below a few months ago, and never really planning to publish it. This was me journaling my pain, to express it somewhere. Maybe even to write about once the fight is over.

That said I am managing. I am coping. And the smile you see on my face is genuine. Having a place to stay, and regular food, not to mention work (YES!!) has helped the anxiety the most. I am also MUCH better than I was depression wise than this article. But that's another blog for another time.

For everything else I continue to breathe. And now you know where the silence comes from. Not to mention the disappearing act ;)

May this article give understanding and give someone else the strength to fight their darkness one day at a time 💜

The Void

I'm fighting depression. And have been for a while. I'm unemployed, as is my partner. We've had bad luck after bad luck. We've managed to eat almost every day. And managed to keep a roof over our heads thanks to amazing friends. And yet I'm struggling inside.

I walk in nature almost daily. Eat as healthy as we can, considering we sometimes have a budget of R20/day for both of us. Sometimes we get fed by others. I spend time daily thinking about my blessings and how much I have to be grateful for. I do everything "right".

I smile, I joke. I try stay active on social media: Liking, loving, and commenting on my friends posts. I share the positive. I make sure I get enough sleep.

Then another set back, or even just the sadness within, rears her ugly head and reminds me of the futility of everything. Cue the hiding of my tears. In the bathroom. In the dark while my partner sleeps beside me. Crying myself to further exhaustion with a bonus headache.

These are the days The Void calls the loudest. The Void promises no more pain. No more struggle. She is a temptress indeed. She knows exactly what to say, because she is me.

What no one sees is the weeks I cannot get out of bed... If I do I feel dizzy and weak. It's easier to just sleep, and avoid the outside world completely.

My teeth hurt from their neglect. I have a breakout all over my suddenly creased, parchment like skin. Which adds to the sadness. I used to have clear, elastic skin. Now daily I see the years etch deeper... A reminder of time slipping by.

And it adds more reasons to slip into The Void.

The only reason I have had to keep myself going is my kids... Who stay in another province with their dad. When I see them I feel great for weeks .My panacea is too far away to be with them. For every week that goes by without being with them The Void gets stronger and my strength weaker. I remember how much of their short childhood I am missing. How fleeting my time with them is...

I am forgotten by friends. I reach out and try make plans. To initiate human contact. After a while the rejection gets too much to bear. Am I over eager? Is my Void too much for others to deal with? Or am I just as unlovable as I feel? I'll never know. I'm too scared to reach out again. Rejection hurts more than avoidance. Not that I have the money to go see anyone anyway. So what's the point?

That is the fight. That is my mind making the fight harder, and The Void more tempting.

So when you tell a person with depression to snap out of it, that their circumstances are of their own making, you are feeding The Void. You are confirming their uselessness.

Rather reach out. Just be available. Make time. Feed the strength. Find compassion and understand that while whatever the circumstances are, kindness will go a long way. Or even just making time to be there. With no judgement. With no conditions. Without platitudes.

Try and keep in mind that if someone fighting The Void does reach out, it's taken days of psyching up the strength. And rejection bashes this so badly it regresses by months.

I'm not saying drop everything all the time. But if someone reaches out, and you aren't available, make time as soon as possible after that. Schedule the time.

 Don't forget them. And if they have stopped reaching out, go find them. Help them fight their Void. Ask them what their Void is saying. Or inner voice. Help them fight their darkness. Because they won't ask twice.

The Void won't let me.

How Arts and Crafts Is Saving Me

So it's no secret that I'm rebuilding my life from rock bottom. It's not easy. Especially because trying to build a business with nothing is kinda like trying to brush your teeth while eating a cookie... There is a reason we all know the saying: You have to have money to make money.

So I started beading. Making pretty necklaces. I also started creating collages of the pics and memorabilia I collected over my life (to get it more displayable, but mostly to take up less space for easy packing). I even started sewing. In a nutshell I started creating stuff. Being creative.

So first thing that happens while we create is we get a hit of dopamine. The feel good hormone. Which is important with the whole feeling happier thing... definitely good for depression and anxiety. 

The part that has saved me the most has been (as per the words of Psychology Today): Creativity is closely linked to what folks have called “divergent thinking.”

In case you don't know the word divergent means: tending to be different or develop in different directions. 

This divergent thinking helped me come up with a way to raise the money I need to be able to start up a business, without having to personally come up with the cash injection I need to get the equipment before hand. 

My brain on arts and crafts has helped me more than searching the interwebs for how to make money this, or monetize that, or how to bootstrap a business. 

I had the idea of getting pledges for my services, then having everyone pay at once so I can get the equipment I need, and then I have these people as my first clients, who can then recommend my services and then become my first line of advertising.

It took me 3 days to get this done!!!

A couple of years of struggle at rock bottom, hearing idea's from others, listening to motivational talks (believe me the amount of motivators out there is HUGE - especially when you're down on your luck), and all it took was a couple of weeks of arts and crafts to get the solution I needed. To get out the box enough to come up with my plan.

I have always loved arts and crafts. My kids too! Our usual M.O. is to paint, create, sew, cut, stick and craft our way to making stuff as often as possible.

Our kids in nursery school and early primary years have a special focus on their art creations, because we all know they learn different skills from art (such as hand eye coordination, fine motor control, creativity, problem solving skills). Then as they get bigger and progress through the grades the focus on art drops, and they are inundated with homework and text books. By adulthood very few of us allow our creativity free reign.

There are definitely creative people out there. One just needs to look at the creative solutions to various problems that keep popping up on social media to see this.

My thoughts this week are going to be what can I make? I am going to make creativity as important a part of my life as exercise or eating is. Because let's face it, how else can we change our life without changing what we do? And honestly I can think of worse things to do to change my brain than making pretty necklaces.

The Momo Issues

So if you haven't heard about Momo, then either you haven't been on Facebook the last couple of weeks, or perhaps you don't have kids and your group of friends aren't sharing this sort of hoopla.

In a nutshell there are warnings going around about a character, named Momo, who has managed to infiltrate YouTube video's of popular kids programmes, who then encourages kids to self harm, inflict harm on others, and culminates in suicide. Very scary, right?

Well yeah. If it was real.

The internet is blowing up over a hoax. 

And this isn't the first time, nor will it be the last.

The picture of Momo is actually a picture of a statue by artist Keisuke Aisawa, called “Mother Bird.”

I have kids. And I'm not scared of Momo, even if it was real. Why you ask? Because firstly I make sure I know what my kids are watching. Their dad checks their browser history, and goes through their phones for random checks. They can have their privacy when they're older.

Secondly I talk to my kids all the time about internet safety, about peer pressure, about about the fact that there are sick trolls out there who do stupid stuff. When they were younger they never had open access to the internet, I sat with them at all times. I watched every video and programme they watched to make sure I could vouch for the kid friendliness of the programme, and raise any concerns I might have with them. I kept it interactive. I have made sure that my kids know they can speak to me about anything, judgement free, no matter what.

I want to make sure my girls are able to grow into young adults who can look after themselves, and that they know I will always be a safe place.

As adults we are so used to this world being a scary place, that as we get these warnings I first instinct is to prevent any and all injuries to kids around the world by sharing. And some troll is enjoying a good giggle while we do this.

The biggest thought I have while I see the internet panic about another hoax is that a quick google would have prevented this story from blowing up in the first place.

Fake news, hoaxes, and rubbish (such as new illnesses) makes the rounds because we don't take a minute to google info to verify for ourselves before we share. 

As adults we should be responsible for the information we share. 

Now we have an artist who feels the need to destroy her work of art because of the backlash she is getting from this viral hoax.

Now we have people around the world up in arms to force YouTube to take action against a hoax to protect our children. When protecting our children should be our job to begin with.

Maybe that's why Momo made the impression it did. Is the huge backlash in some way connected to the little inner centre of guilt that our kids are so unsupervised? 

Just my thoughts. 

Hope they spark some thoughts in you.

May harmony find you.

Why Divorce Isn't About You

I've been happily divorced for over a decade. My ex-husband and I agree a divorce was the  best thing we did for each other.

Don't get me wrong. As we settled into our new roles as "Team Parent" we've had our share of up's and down's. Especially in the first few years. Now, however, we are a strong team with our kids best interest in mind.

Mostly with thanks to my lawyer. She told me something when I started my divorce journey that shifted my paradigm for divorce: "Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."

This is the hugest part when considering divorce. It's not about your hurt, or getting back at your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. The divorce is ending your hurt. It's about creating a future for your kids. Their financial stability and emotional well-being needs to come first.

The other contributing factor to my Team Parent outcome was my childhood. I grew up without a father. Which was OK in a lot of ways (I have an awesome mom), however I couldn't help but feel the absence of half of my family tree. Even now as an adult. So I approached my divorce on the strength of deeply desiring the father of my girls be a part of their life, and that my girls get to know, and have a relationship with, their paternal branch of family.

In the presence of my children no-one was allowed to say anything negative about their father. Even if they were sleeping (we all know how well kids listen to anything they aren't supposed to hear) because it wasn't my place to make up their mind about their dad. I certainly never wanted to be in a position where my kids could hate me for trying to poison their minds about their father. For me this has paid off with the strength of our Team Parent family. Where his girlfriend (and her kids), and my boyfriend (and his no kids), are a part of our expanded family, and we all want what is best for our kids. I include my ex-husband's girlfriend's kids in this statement by the way. She, and her kids, are now a part of our family after all...

Best part of being in a Team Parent family: My girls can't play us off against each other. Their dad and I speak all the time. We know what is happening in their lives, both positive and negative, and we back each other up. We are a united front. 

Disclaimer: Sometimes the spouse you leave is not fit to be a parent. Mine certainly wasn't. If your spouse is one of those unfit ones, then please disregard what I am saying. What saddens me, and prompted the writing of this article, is watching friends (and strangers) trying to fight for their right to be a parent. Usually the father. Because as we all know the mother has the most rights according to the legal system...

Taking the divorce back a few steps: You loved the person you are divorcing enough to have children with them. You need to honour this part of your children, and do your best to remember that your kids are half someone else. Your kids have the right to not have to choose who their favourite parent is. Your kids have the right to know what about both their parents was amazing enough for them to exist.

Backing that paragraph up to where it started for me...

Before the divorce we tried couple's counselling. Where the counselor was surprised I hadn't changed my last name. She asked what my kids will feel when I was happy to have kids with their father but not happy enough to take his last name. In a happy coincidence Home Affairs registered me with my girls last name. Now I proudly carry that name in honour of the man who is a part of these awesome beings I call my kids. I'm stoked to have the same last name as them! So much so that if I choose to marry again I will double-barrel the last name to keep the name I share with my girls (I am a feminist - and the story about why I'm happy to change my last name is another article for another time, let's keep the focus on the Team Parent stuff for this article please!).

In a world where father's are often absent, and there are more than a few deadbeats out there to back up the stereotype, let's stop breaking families up where the father wants to be involved. Rather let us focus on how to create a new role going forward, where our kids get to have both branches of their family tree. Let our kids benefit from adults working together for their future. 

They are just kids after all. And we are supposed to protect them and put them first.

If you're able to put the hurt behind you, then you get the other benefit of a happy divorce: Adult time. AKA visitation schedule... When your spouse has your kids you get full on adult time! It's awesome!

What else is awesome? Hitting the teen years with kids who can't pull a fast one by lying to one parent then the other (because we already spoke and know the truth).

There are so many father's out there fighting for the right to see their kids. Probably enough to change the stereotype of deadbeat dad back into super dad!

If you take away one snippet from my article this week 

just remember what my lawyer said: 

"Divorce is not about you. It's about the future of your kids."

I See You

We've all watched James Cameron's Avatar I'm sure. If you are part of the one percent who hasn't please do!

There's a large focus in the film around the Na'vi greeting and what it means. Of course I refer to "I see you"...

The explanation from James Cameron's Website explains it perfectly: 

I See You is a greeting. In the Na'vi language, it is expressed Oel ngati kame for a neutral greeting or Oel ngati kameie to express a positive feeling about meeting someone. Furthermore, the Na'vi have two versions of the verb see:

• tse'a, which pertains to physical vision.
• kame, which means to see in a spiritual sense. It is more closely a synonym of "understand" or "comprehend."

The spiritual or understanding sight is the main focus of my thoughts today. We feel the call to be seen in all areas of our lives.

Our children, who are still honest enough to call us (repeatedly) to watch them jump, swing, and climb. Who call on us to see them. And not just for a moment with our physical vision. To see with our spiritual vision and understand how proud our children are to be doing what they do, and how desperately they want to share this with us. 

Our friends, and family, who we visit. We go there to see them. Everyone of us, if we are honest, feels better when we are seen by others. Especially by our loved ones.

In a world that is filled with busy-ness we often see our phones, and the work we need to do. Or the social media content we need to keep up with.

See-ing is so much more than that, and should encompass more than just our little circle.


I’m sure all South Africans have noticed that on every street corner and at every robot there are beggars. Blind ones, amputees, burn victims, children, women with children, old men, old women black, white… so many. People handing out pamphlets, selling mobile car chargers, window washers.

We drive past them hardly even seeing them anymore because we are becoming so desensitised to these tragic people. We keep our windows up, glasses on and stare straight ahead. I watch these people as I drive by. Some keep their spirits up and make a joke of it for themselves to try and catch your eye. Most however are dejected and just go through the motions. Or even sit, or stand, on the side of the road staring into space.

Having been in dire straights myself I know how easily one goes from a comfortable life of food every day to a life of hunger and invisibility. It's all a series of unfortunate events that grind down the soul. This also leads to more and more people turning away, to friends "forgetting" your phone number, to family turning away. The lower I fell, the less I was seen. I was viewed as an inconvenience. As a beggar. Once even as someone who would take advantage of a roof over my head to steal. And it hurt. A lot.

Not my true friends, thankfully for me. They have kept in touch despite my trying to hide, and have seen me, and not just my situation.

Having learnt how invisibility feels, I know what a precious gift being seen really is.

So often we are in a rush. Time and acknowledgement of presence is often the first thing we stop giving other people. People are starved for contact, for time with another being, for touch. It’s the most valuable gift to give…. Your time. Eye contact, and listening. These are such rare commodities now days that this starved culture is finding a void inside their beings where this contact would normally be. 

Think of kids of very successful parents who have all the electronic gadgets that money can buy. The stereotype of brat-ish kids whose parents are never around. The ones in movies that we usually feel sorry for because they just want their parents love and time. Not the latest iPad.

Think of the culture of substance abuse, especially among the lower echelons of society, who try and fill that void with any substance they can. Who are so unhappy in the real world they would rather take or drink anything to no longer be there. You don't need to condone substance abuse, or the ramifications from that. Just understand the cause. It might help treat the symptoms.

Instead of judging with your physical sight, try and understand with your spiritual sight. 

Try it with your kids, loved ones, parents, and even beggars on the side of the road. Look them in the eye. See them. Give them a reason to feel seen for just a moment and make the biggest difference to more people than you could count when the ripple of acknowledgement spreads like wildfire.

One day at a time.

When I see my children I leave my phone in my bag, and spend hours playing with them, seeing them, listening to them. From this we have a very special relationship. My teen will freely tell me she loves me, and that I'm the best mom. I have fewer photo's with them, and more memories. We dance, and sing, and act silly just because.

I see them. And if we are to meet, as passer-by's at a shop, or on the street, I will see you too.

New Year New Speech

As we head into a new year, creating resolutions to become better people, I would like to add my little two cents for consideration.

The truest gift to receive is being part of changing a person's life in a positive and meaningful way.

Like an Oprah-esque level of change. Life changing. You know the ones: Where you’re sitting with a huge grin, tears pricking your eyes or shamelessly pouring down your cheeks as you watch someone who has lived through unimaginable challenges being given their dreams on a diamond crusted platinum platter.

It happened to me recently. Minus the budget. One of the roles I play is facilitator for (mostly) uneducated and unemployed women through certified courses to be more employable, and on this day one of the women burst into tears in the workshop...

Why?

Because this is the first time in her life she absolutely believes she can follow her dreams.

Because when she asked me during our lesson if I believed she had what it takes, and I said yes. Cue the healing tears bursting forth from her. Great big sobs. Which felt wonderful to behold knowing this lady is going from rock bottom to the opportunity of landing her dream job because I believe in her. I didn’t even need squillions of dollars to do it.

Before you ask, yes I got teary. As did the other learners in the class.

It had me thinking about the true power behind our words. It is humbling to be aware of this power, and even more so to watch this power in action. J.K Rowling herself has said: "Words are, in my not- so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it."

Abracadabra! The word used by magicians the world over to make magic happen, is Hebrew for “I create as I speak”. Books such as The Secret all deal with controlling the internal dialogue to manifest our desires, citing various rags-to-riches stories to prove these methods.

One word, spoken in love, has given a woman the confidence she needs after a series of hurt after hurt knocked her down. From being rejected by her mom at birth; to raising another woman's children as a child herself; watching these kids go to school while she has to stay home; and because she has no education told how dumb and useless she is... She is now shining from one little word. A single syllable!

Imagine if we all start using our words, the ones we use all the time to everyone daily, for good. At work, at home, with strangers, with kids, with adults, and possibly most importantly with ourselves. 

Imagine a world filled with people who are able to follow their dreams and be passionate with it...

Imagine your children following their dreams and growing into happy adults, ready to change the world because they know they can. Children who grow into self-sufficient adults glowing with confidence…

Imagine the success of your company being built on upliftment and employee happiness. Not the stereotypical sitcom corporate "happy": real happy. A company filled with employees that love Monday morning's because it's work time. From your executives to the cleaning staff! Working as a perfect team, supportive, efficient. Everything runs smoothly because each employee is proud of who they are and the role they play in your company for the ultimate client experience...

It's as easy as the words you speak. Are you building and empowering with your words?

Or not?

Building needs to be done with proper compassion. With true interest in the individual.

The airy fairy hippy way. Remembering we are one.

Seeing every individual and purposefully seeking and growing their strengths. Looking for the uniqueness and the value this unique strength has for the individual and your company. The challenge is finding this gift. Giving every individual the opportunity to find their gift, and learn their value. What I can pretty much guarantee is making it a practice to find this gift in every individual in your company, then nurturing this gift and empowering this individual with this gift will create a loyalty to your company that cannot be bought.

The best part of all of this? I'm nobody. I'm just some girl, who after a series of unfortunate events has managed to find rock bottom. Seriously broke. Who was inspired today by a woman in a worse situation inspired by me... Using just one word.

It got me imagining a world of people being empowered by more powerful words. Words that cost thousands of rands a second to utter, being used to start a trend of mindfulness. Mindful of the power of those words to everyone they come into contact with. Choosing friendly and genuine over powerful and aloof.

If you think about it, this article in a nutshell covers most of the HR management techniques for staff retention and loyalty, increased revenue and profit, etc.

Just a lot simpler, and in my personal airy fairy executive summary mode.